Where has it gone...

...that $40 a pop baggie of 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methamphetamine or as you kids call them E's, go to? You know, that one that you had your little stupid friends chip in $20 bucks each for so that you could all get fuzzy with your increased positive emotions, decreased negative emotions and your increased sociability and feelings of closeness or connections with other people! The kind that in fact increases your blood pressure and heart rates makes you lose your appetite and keeps you awake so that you and your buddies can dance your little asses of at Saturday’s big underground rave in your way too big neon clothes all night without even getting sleepy.

Well sometime on Sunday night when the effects should have started to wear off and the depression started to kick in, the trisma and bruxia pains should have taken over and your buddies start banging on your door demanding their hard earned burger flipper dollars back and you have to own up that you lost the drugs and gave them pez tablets instead, you'll be wishing that you where anyone else but the looser who keeps loosing his goods that you are you damned fiend.

Where has it gone...

...that old spongy couch that your old way past expiration date aunt Sheila used to have? You know that one reeked of urine, cigarettes and sweat to such an extent that you could smell it on you even the day after you where forced to visit her, sit on her lap and kiss her warty, wrinkly old lady face.

I'm not surprised that you tossed it into oblivion in the small woodland hideaway behind the parking lot in Queens. I just hope that aunt Sheila passed away before you torched it and not the other way around.

Where has it gone...

...that "man-size" Trojan condom with strawberry flavour that you always kept in your wallet, you know the one that you used to pull out and show your pal's on those late nights out drinking as you drunkenly gazed round at all the chicks in the room and with a sinister smile told your friends that one day some lucky lady of your fine choice would be the happiest lady in the world as you showed her your love skills.

Well either it finally wore a hole in your wallet after the last eight years of waiting and fell out or it was in fact too big and fell off before you could get to the goal. Secondly what the hell is it doing in the middle of the street? Do you bring your looser friends to this location of interest, point out the rubber and brag about how happy some lady was after you showed her your love skills? You pathetic gimp we all know that you're still a virgin and that just had to open the package to see if it still tasted of strawberry even after the expiration date has passed years ago.

Where has it gone...

...that right foot leather Pampili shoe that you had on last Saturday as you staggered around the neighbourhood looking for your front door to your flat after your weekly night out with the girls?

We still can't imagine how the dang someone looses a shoe? And the condition you must have been on the way home to loose a shoe just boggles our minds? Do you know how many thousands you have wasted on lost shoes this past year? Don't you know where your limit of booze is? You really should know that you and the girls aren't Sex in the City so get over yourself, and if you learned to take it easy with the Cosmopolitans you wouldn't be walking home missing a shoe and being so smashed that you didn't even register the fact that your left foot was frozen cold and wet until the next morning. No Mr. Right is ever going to fall for a sloppy Sue so it's no wonder that you still have to get wasted to stop thinking about the fact that you and your right index finger is the closest you've been to a serious relationship in sixteen months.

Where has it gone...

...that chirpy yellow Kashmir kiddie cardigan that you had to have and put down a small fortune on buying just so that you could show off your new trendy accessory/baby to your girlie friends at work?

First off, babies puke on everything that they wear so good luck with the dry cleaners bill for this unnecessary garment, because we guess we won't be seeing mommy ruining her new nails washing by hand will we. But now that you've lost it there's really no need to worry anyhow is there? You can still flaunt your boyfriends income with your new mini compact pram, the trendy accessories that you overload it with, your up to date hip momma clothes, and when your not talking about the baby you can talk about your new house that you just bought in the suburbs and the fact that you finally have place to park that second car on your drive and not on the street with the other commoners cars. Just don't let anyone know about the fact that you and the hubbie fight about your trashed economy all the time and that you almost don't have any money for food so mother in law keeps you both fed, as you keep on paying the mortgages and loans for all the shit you have to have to pull off your charade. Like that chirpy yellow Kashmir cardigan you still haven't told Josh that you've lost...

Where has it gone...

...that butt ugly porta-potty-fluid blue jacket with fake beige leather details that you used to have? You know the one that you bought quite cheap at Chelsea Thrift Shop on 8th Ave. in the city just so that you could prance around with a "Look at me I'm so fucking Ironic and my clothes prove it" smirk on your face to match your usual dorky clothes style.

Well the true irony to the story is that when I last saw it, it was wrapped around the shoulders of a grubby dude with a beard who told us he was currently living in a duct down in the subway and you know what, it fit his image way better than the art director / nerd chic style you try so hard to pull off.

Where has it gone...

...that pot of honey that you where sent out to buy by your dominatrix girlfriend. You know that kind that tingles on your body as she licks, bites and chews it from your nipples and lubes up your sphincter with before assaulting you with her strap on.

We guess you'll be sat fully dressed on the couch watching Friends' re-runs as a punishment when she finds out tonight.

Where has it gone...

...that plastic bag with those small plain rolls that you where sent out to buy for breakfast on Saturday morning? You know that nothing soaks up late Friday night, early Saturday morning red wine from your gut and eases you through the hangovers better than plain rolls don’t you.

I suggest that you either set of for the chemists and pick up some asprin before that punch-in-the-face headache kicks in or get your shit together and stop drinking so fucking much you damned wino bum who can’t even go to the fucking shop and back without loosing your rolls.

Where has it gone...

...that tube of cheap toothpaste that you lost and apparently never found ever again. You know the one that promised minty freshness, sparkling whiteness, fresh gums and tooth decay prevention.

Well, now I know why your smile looks like a row of passed corn then don’t we.

Where has it gone...

…that silver - white 25 inch Phillips television that you used to have in your flat when you first left home? You where so proud of it, your white temple of audio visual ecstasy. Your friends could never understand why a guy who only wants to watch porn had to spend so much cash on a silver - white television?

I guess that you after all these years finally bought a plasma screen to match you new HD-DVD porn collection. Could you honestly tell us why you need HD and a plasma screen to watch porn? It’s not as if it’s the image quality that you are concerned about is it?

Where has it gone...

…that promising future you used to have in the online shopping business? You know that “amazing” company you founded to sell your freaky self designed items on the internet. You took that huge loan at the bank and rented that gigantic office bang in the centre of town, and do you remember that Beamer you bought? The one that you had striped with the company logos down the sides? Not to mention the extravagant launch party that you threw!

Monty and I guess that you are just another unfortunate victim of the dot com death, as you lost everything you ever owned and ended up living on the streets. But we are pleased to see that you are still trying to sell your freaky straw antenna hats.

Where has it gone...

…those super strong Tazink breath mints that you always have to keep chewing on to keep your gastric fluid stenches from bubbling up through your esophagus and into the nasal channels of the people around you?

I guess that you’ll either be talking with your hand in front of your face all day or just keeping you mouth shut until you get back down to the chemists then won’t you.

Where has it gone...

...that four inch high yellow smiley mushroom jar that you brought back from your trip to Amsterdam? You know the one that doubled as a bong and a container to hide your secret stash of Dutch pot in so that you mom wouldn't find it as she went though your room searching for your hidden girlie mags.

Your mom had some real hang ups about porn didn't she, well maybe she could spend some time with the very irie squirels we saw skanking around Central Park and chill out.

Where has it gone...

…that slick leather key ring that you always used to put on your index finger and twirl around as you invited the chicks you where trying to pick up during late nights out at the club? You know the one that goes to your fancy shag pad at the Grand Hotel Puccini on Corso Buenos Aires Boulevard in Milan. Nothing used to impress the chicks more than an offer to be flow to Italy for a weekend in your private jet. “A ride for a ride” as you used to say in shitty phonetic Berlitz Italian.

Well no matter how many stockbroker millions you have, no chick in the world is going to open up for a night at shitty Hotel Bernina on Via Napo Torriani ever. Forget the flying; it’s the hotel that gets them in the mood. You know that!

Where has it gone...

...your expensive purple ten gear bike, with the “cute” basket on the front for your handbag, that you bought last summer so that you could burn off that extra fat as you peddle your way to work and back every day.

Well if you leave it out in the middle of a god damned snow storm it's going to disappear isn't it!

Where has it gone...

...that old Claes-Goran Hederstrom 7" cover version of The Fab Four's Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da. You know the one that you got for your tenth birthday way back in '68, that time you cried hysterically because it wasn't the one you really wanted. You wanted the one with the cartoony Beatles image on the front and not some corny cover version.

Good riddance, you can't even give this crap away on E-bay!

Where has it gone...

...that 1284.8 Lbs packet of ground beef that you where supposed to pick up on your way home from work?

You know that your wife will kick your ass now when there's no carne in the chilli con she's supposed to cook up for your dinner guests tonight. Don't think for a second that your parents in law are ever going to stop yapping about this fuck up.

Where has it gone...

...that left foot, Oh I'm so trendy but still smart and hip, suede shoe that you put on last Friday along with your tight, and daringly short casual Friday skirt and your Marc Jacobs sale jacket before meeting the girls after work for a few Cosmopolitans after a hard week selling advertisement spaces in between our favourite TV shows?

Monty and I bet you looked like a complete ass leaping around on one foot as you started to sober up, readjusting your tights, pulling your panties out of your ass and realizing you had lost your shoe somewhere downtown. Face it honey, drunk, one shoe, skirt half way up your back and the smeared makeup, it's no wonder your still taking cabs back to suburbia alone.

Where has it gone...

...that old black polished, chrome-plated with metal fittings, B-118 Modern, Rud Ibach piano that your parents used to have standing in their living room. You know the one that you never quite learned to play, but where certain that you'd write the greatest love song ever for Lucy on, and win her heart forever by becoming the next Brian Wilson?

Well either your parents got sick of your infantile tinkering or you just got wise and bought her a CD and some flowers.

Where has it gone...

... your mothers stupid fucking Australia tour souvenir, you know the one she thinks talks to her and helps make important decisions for her, and your stepfather Vladimir's knife that he frequently waves in your face and threatens to slit your throat with when you are sleeping unless you cut your hair, loose the pentagram t-shirts, get your shit together and get a real job.

These findings where kind of freaky, but I hope that the stabbed koala and the blood crusty knife where part of your sacrificial ritual, and that those abusive fuckers got what was coming to them.

Where has it gone...

...that cheap jar of day cream that you so skilfully apply to your face every night before going to bed? You know the one that makes you believe you still look like you did when you where sixteen.

You better get yourself a new one as no guy in town will want to gaze down at someone with a head that looks his mothers wrinkly face while he's doing the meat tango will they.

Where has it gone...

...that toy bowling pin that you used to have. You'll remember it as the one you used to show your friends Stacey and Angie how to give perfect blow jobs last summer.

I guess that there are at least three very happy dudes somewhere in town.

Where has it gone...

...that sweet little handpainted eggcup your aunt Tanja gave you that holiday in Helsinki almost twentythree years ago, you know the one that you used to drink vodka shooters out of?

We guess aunt Tanja will never know how low you have fallen.

Where has it gone...

...that cute magpie that you used to feed breadcrumbs every morning and joke about it being your pet bird to all the last nights hot date chicks you used to wake up with on Saturday mornings?


Guess it wasn't as cute when it crawed you out of your angst ridden hang over slumber at six in the morning then was it?

Where has it gone...

...that primitive fog generator that you used to have with you when you toured the college Friday night disco circuit?

Hell nothing gets the honeys more moist than an overweight baldening Dj with his own fog machine. We take it you took the job at Taco Bell then didn't you.

Where has it gone...

...that "Hey look at me, I'm a cool dad and I make my kid look like he's a rocker too!" wellington boot that you lost while waiting for the bus in the rain?

If you had been less focused on making yourself look cool with your kid as an accessory then you wouldn't have a child with a cold and wet foot would you?

Where has it gone...

...that old VCR you had in your bedroom, the one you used to watch all that porn you sneaked past your mom and watched with the sound turned down way to low when she'd fallen asleep?

I guess that you've gone digital and bought yourself a DVD instead you little perv.

Where has it gone...

...that comfy white towel you stole one romantic weekend in Paris, that one you use to wrap around yourself after taking your morning shower, but before sitting on the balcony for the first smoke of the day?

Were glad to see that the smoke is more important than the towel, thanks for tabagisme dans la nudité!

Where has it gone...

...that smelly and aggressive rotweiler Bucky, the stupidest dog in the world who would never stop barking at the moon all night, and had the neighbours stepping in his pavement disposed piles of shit every time they left their homes?

Well we guess he won’t be causing trouble for the neighbours any more will he?

Where has it gone...

...that "made to look vintage so that you can walk around feeling so fucking ironic" spice girls t-shirt you purchased for a small fortune on ebay last summer?

Now it even looks weather worn, and you could have resold it at twice the price.

Where has it gone...

...that sweet red sock with hearts on that your five year old daughter lost last weekend when you insisted that she sit in her pram during your "family walk"?

Seems you didn't feel like going out to look for it as she cried herself to sleep that night.

Where has it gone...

... that cheap spare gas tank that you bought before hiting the freeway on your big road trip adventure?

Sure could have come in handy when you where stuck shoving your car down route 66.

Where has it gone...

...the oversized zebra earring you thought made you looked so fucking Ms. Rock'n'Roll at Sandy's New Years Eve party a few days ago?

As you lost it we presume that there was more rolling than rocking going on at the party.

Where has it gone...

...the front tire of your $10.000 offroad mountain bike that you flaunted all around the neigbourhood, jumping off and on to the pavement in your fucking deliveryboy outfit?

Sure takes time delivering to your goods when you have to take the buss doesn't it.

Where has it gone...

...that right hand glove that you got of your aunt Peggy for Christmas?

Don't let her know you lost it already. She hates carelessness.