Where has it gone...

...those $2.99 non-prescription glasses that you bought down at Raji's Corner Deli on 106 Kenmare St in N. Y. C. You know the ones that you used to go around claiming that they where "more-money-than-you-guys-will-ever-make" expensive designer frames and special prescription glass hand cut in Switzerland just for you and your valuable eyes. Remember, the ones that you said your gorgeous twentysomething stockbroker girlfriend had specifically had imported for you so that she could prove her love for you without a doubt.

So please tell me how the hell are you able to keep track of the numbers during bingo night with the other old farts without your glasses now then? And I'd really like to hear the wild tale you must have spun to explain where those "glamorous designer glasses" went to.

Where has it gone...

...that white 1996 Opel Vectra that you always used to rev like it was a indie car every morning before you shot off down the street scaring the living crap out of the old ladies at the canasta club? You know the one the you always used to park in the wrong spot, making the rest of us have to climb over and around it every time we came home from the store with our shopping bags. The one that you so happily spent half your life savings on just to pimp it up with the state of the art sound system that you installed. Who could ever guess that Britney Spears Toxic still sounded like garbage pulsating out of your sub-woofer at half past three in the morning.

Well by the look of it now, we'll all be getting out groceries into the lobby with ease and there won't be anymore late night car boot disco fests going on for a while. Thank god, we're finally going to get a good nights sleep during the weekends. For future reference you might want to put your cash on insurance and not a soundsystem.

Where has it gone...

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...the last strip of your prescribed 30capsules at $21.99 Oxazepam that you purchased for your last few bucks for down at Rogers Pharmacy on 364 Springfield Ave. out in New Jersey on Tuesday night? You know the little white ones that take the edge of your panic attacks, keep you from hitting the bottle again and soften your way too familiar bouts with depression.

What are you going to do later on tonight as your anxiety disorders with associated tension, irritability, and agitation start to make you jumpy again? You know how creepy you get without your intermediate acting benzodiazepine. Get ready for a fortnight of paranoid delusions, late night booze binges and mental screenings of suicidal scenarios before your next paycheck is delivered by Mrs. Mince at the office and you can get your wrecked self stable again by paying Mr Vallario a visit again.

Where has it gone...

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...that expensive teddy that you got for your baby girl on that day you went to visit them after she was born? You know the one that you quickly without any planning behind it picked out in the toy shop down at Broadway & 44th St. because you where so hung over from partying with the guys that you almost forgot that your "girlfriend" had given birth.

Well if you hadn't been so self centered showing off your new florescent yellow, $899 Bugaboo Chameleon stroller like you where some sort of superstar who the world centers around you just might have noticed that your kid was crying not because the was as you thought hungry, but because she needed a clean diaper, and she'd dropped her teddy too as you kept checking over your shoulder to see who was locking at your "trendy and rich dad" accessories. Focus on your child and not your style you jerk or leave the baby with it's mother where it belongs!

Where has it gone...

...that flat you with ease bragged about having somewhere between 34th Street and 57th Street? You know the one that you said cost you almost nothing and was so chic with it's open air solution where no neighbors could disturb you as you come and go as you wish.

Well we never expected it literally to be an open air solution under a bridge did we. But as long as the rent is dirt cheap and you keep yourself dry on those rainy nights we guess that you where telling the truth.

Where has it gone...

...that black leather jacket that you have been wearing ever since you saw M:I-2 back in 2000? You know the one that cost you almost two hundred bucks, that you thought made you look like some sort of secret agent/suave dude, and you where convinced made the chicks take a second look just in case it was Tom Cruise paying Bergen County New Jersey a visit.

Well to be honest, there's nothing Tom Cruise about you at all, the only thing that you have remotely in common is that you both are just tall enough not to be confused for leprechauns. I guess that your small size comes in handy when you try to pull of child fare on the subway doesn't it, and the only reason that the chicks might have taken a second look at you is because you look like a fucking midget in a leather trench coat. It's supposed to stop on your thigh, not below your knees you nut.

Where has it gone...

...that $40 a pop baggie of 3,4-methylenedioxy-N-methamphetamine or as you kids call them E's, go to? You know, that one that you had your little stupid friends chip in $20 bucks each for so that you could all get fuzzy with your increased positive emotions, decreased negative emotions and your increased sociability and feelings of closeness or connections with other people! The kind that in fact increases your blood pressure and heart rates makes you lose your appetite and keeps you awake so that you and your buddies can dance your little asses of at Saturday’s big underground rave in your way too big neon clothes all night without even getting sleepy.

Well sometime on Sunday night when the effects should have started to wear off and the depression started to kick in, the trisma and bruxia pains should have taken over and your buddies start banging on your door demanding their hard earned burger flipper dollars back and you have to own up that you lost the drugs and gave them pez tablets instead, you'll be wishing that you where anyone else but the looser who keeps loosing his goods that you are you damned fiend.